9:57 p.m. - 2003-09-14
Reflection
Goodbye.
I’m slowly picking up the pieces of my life now and letting him go. As much as I don’t want to, I have to. I still love him and don’t know if I’ll ever get over him, but I’m learning to live with it and use it for strength. I’m finally allowing myself to actually be open to the possibility of another guy if I happen to meet someone who catches my eye. And I’m finally not looking back on this whole thing with sadness, but thankfulness. I won’t deny that I’ve been through some bad times this year. Some of the worst of my life. Anyone who has ever had a broken heart knows what I’m talking about. But I would do it all again ten thousand times for just ten seconds spent with him.
You hear those stupid clichés like “’Tis better to have loved and lost than never loved at all,” and some people scoff at them. I used to. But now I know why they were written. I know why silly love songs are written, I know why people write sickeningly sweet greeting cards – what they’re saying is true.
I feel so fortunate to have met the boy. Even after meeting him the first time and thinking I would never see him again, I knew I would never be the same. For the first time in my life I finally believed that someone like him could exist. All of this big “love” stuff that felt so overstuffed and fantastical could exist in reality and not have to be so over-the-top with all of the stars in the eyes and flying birds overhead. It could be real. Something I could hold on to and feel, with someone who could actually change my life.
And that’s what happened. I became real for the first time in my life. Bare bones, no worries about what anyone thinks, no cares – just me. And it was exhilarating. I was free. I let myself love with reckless abandon and it is the greatest thing I have ever done. I will always be so proud to have loved that boy.
I think the other thing I’m most thankful for about the whole experience is everything I learned about life and love. There is no greater feeling than the comfort of the person who feels like home, than the knowledge that love doesn’t have to be such a chore. When it’s right and real, it just is. That kind of happiness can be a little unsettling at first, but it is the ultimate satisfaction.
However, in life, sad things happen. It’s just how it goes. Unexpected things happen. Complications arise out of nowhere. Losing someone you love due to stupid circumstances happens. It doesn’t make it any easier to deal with, but the truth of the matter is that it happens. I wish such things didn’t keep me apart from the boy, but I’m learning to accept it now and move on. I’m anxious to see what else life has for me. I don’t look back with regret or sorrow anymore. I look back with thankfulness. Pride. I think of our time together and I feel lucky to have had it. No words can describe the joy of being able to love like that, to feel like that, to live like that. I cherish every second of it and I look back with a smile thinking of this one thing:
For an amazing moment in time I loved him and he loved me. And it was beautiful.
