4:49 p.m. - 2003-08-30
Trying
I haven't caved yet and gone to see him. I've been trying to move on. I've been trying to put him out of my mind and it's been working some of the time. I've been trying to be happy with someone else. It's not working. It just reminds me of what I had. Mainly, I've just been trying to be happy. It's ridiculously hard sometimes. The hardest part may be just the not knowing. I don't know if he went to school this fall or if he's going next fall. I know I could find out without having to see him or talk to him, but it would also dredge up some tough things. If he has gone, then he is gone. I won't know where he is or how to find him. It would help me to move on I suppose, but then I would feel like deep down, I'm still in love with a ghost who has all but forgotten about me. It would be the first time that I knew that he didn't care anymore and it would probably rip me apart. However, if I found out that he wasn't going until next year, then I would subconsciously hope that meant there was some small chance of us getting back together. Of course, it wouldn't happen and my heart would be stomped on yet again and I'd be stuck in the same place, never having moved an inch forward. It's all too much for me to think about, so I remain unaware. It's not blissful, but it's keeping me going. Sometimes, however, I can't believe that I'm letting him go. Other times, I know it's exactly what I need to do. Whichever way I'm feeling, it's just hard. Trial by fire, and I'm sick of the burns.
